For the past probably 4-5 months I have gotten up early everyday to do a quiet time and read a biblical based book and say prayer before heading out to work. It's helped me significantly each day to reflect and connect with God on a deeper level. I feel a little like my grandma saying quiet time and the fact that I'm sitting in my bath robe with coffee but hey...at least I'm doing it right?!!!
The most recent book I'm reading and have nearly finished is "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Our pastor highly recommends these Boundaries books and actually gave Ricardo and I a copy. And, no he didn't give it to us as a hint...we told him about Alexander's strong will and he walked to his desk and grabbed a copy and threw it at us. (he actually did throw it...he likes to do that). Both the pastor and the book reiterate that we're not raising children we're raising adults!!!!
Anyway, the chapter I'm reading now is called Jump starting My Engine The Law of Activity. It's about having an active or passive child. Active children being those that are self suufficient, take initiative, properly assertive, go for the gold type kids. Kids that understand the satisfaction of their needs start with them not with the parents. Passive kids are kids that revert to shyness on purpose, don't want to make friends, hide in the background, and have parents that enable this behavior by never pushing their kids in the right areas. They give examples like encouraging them to make friends, and go to activities that are good for them but are new even if it's a little scary The opposite of this are kds who have parents who don't have any boundaries and want to play friend rather than parent.
One of the key points is when parenting comes before friendship, respect happens but when friendship comes before respect passivity results. Meaning that, you are the parent first and the friend second. I learned that this week when I had finally reached my limits with Alexander not eating all of his dinner then asking for a snack. We have been rather lax with this and it has come to a full blow. He ate about half of his chicken and broccoli the other night, spilled his milk (soy milk...it aint' cheap) on purpose and then told me he was hungry and thirsty. I was very angry about the whole thing and rather than blowing up, he went to bed hungry and thirsty. While this seems a bit harsh for a near 4 year old, I decided that being the stern parent was setting boundaries and teaching him he has to respect the fact that I cooked, spent money on food, and deserve respect in return. We will continue to reinforce these boundaries with the same consequences. If we don't we're encouraging passivity. As the book says, God isn't pleased with the person that shrinks back Hebrews 10:38. If I don't eat, it's ok mom will rescue me and allow me to have something anyway. We don't want Alexander to be passive and by nature he has that tendency. He likes what he likes, doesn't like to be uncomfortable in new places, and tries to lean on mom and dad for comfort rather than comforting himself. We don't want him to be the teen that doesn't want to join new groups because he's afraid to make friends or the teen who falls back in to bad habits or bad friends because it's comfortable. We cerainly don't want to be the cause of any future bad habits. As the book says, typically the root of a lazy kid is an enabling parent. And, we don't want him to be the adult that can't make friends at work, won't join a new group at church because he's uncomfortable. We want him to actively seek out new and great things in life. And, we want him to actively seek them out in a Godly way and without our help when it's not necessary. We don't want him to think he gets everything and has to give nothing in return (entitlement). Even now we tell him, if you're not nice, you don't get nice things in return!
Look at how your kids behave and how they interract with others. Don't confuse being polite with being ok. Are your kids actively engaged in finding new friends when they need to, are the afraid but willing to seek out what is good for them? Are you as the parent enabling your child's fears, lack of initiative, and desire to fall into bad habits? I know we were and we're trying to fix that now. This book has been an eye opener and I would encourage anyone with kids of any age to read it. While you might sit back and think what you're doing is right for your kid(s), you might be surprised to find that you're doing exactly what experts say you shouldn't!
